Tony takes a survey where I ask him a million questions and sit in silence long enough for him to forget that I'm typing and just talk all crazy-like

Dear Readers of Things Tony Says and Does,
Our friend Melissa who writes the blog Duoly Noted has bequeathed upon us a totally rad award called “Over the Top”, which means we get to put a sweet little icon in the sidebar of the blog so that everyone who visits our blog is like, “Oh, what?! This blog is over the top!” And then there will be proof.
Oh but these awards do not come cheap. No, they don’t. In order to claim this award we must answer a long list of questions. Most people answer them on their own, but since this blog is about Tony, I made him answer them. I am a super speedy typer so basically I just sat there and typed as he talked. I did not alter this, even a tiny bit. These are literally the words that came straight from his mouth.

Buckle up folks, this is long.

Where is your cell phone? It’s in my front pocket. Why?
[Now he understands we’ve started. So now he actually starts answering. Or something like that.]

Your hair: is itchy. My scalp is kinda dry. I think I need to change shampoos. Or at least get another one. A moisturizing one. I used a q-tip for the first time today. It was gross. It was really gross. I had to use two.

Your mother: Is the sweetest woman I’ve ever known.

Your father: I hope to be half the man he is.

Your favorite food: Usually involves bacon.

Your dream from last night: Oh man, um, well, I was a part of this crime-fighting unit and we were actually going after, it was, I don’t know it was kinda 1950s style, or 1920s, I don’t know, the film noir era of the detective comic except it was a bunch of detectives and we all had our inner monologues and we could all hear each other’s inner monologues. I guess you could just call that outer monologues. Well it wasn’t really outer monologue because we weren’t speaking. So it was more like outer telepathy. Anywhooo... for whatever reason we were going after Ben Stiller. He was the mastermind behind something-or-other and we were all trying to decide how we were going to go capture him and stuff. (Are you writing all this crazy shit down?) I don’t remember what happened, I had those boats again, we drove to some place that we knew was his headquarters operation and we had those boats. Remember I told you about the boats, they have two wheels. Anyway and we got there and he was like, “You caught me” and then served us all lobster bisque. And we sort of went like, alright we did it, and then we ate our lobster bisque and then I woke up.

Your favorite drink: Well this wine is pretty good right now but I would have to say cognac.

Your dream/goal: Win an Oscar. In EVERY CATEGORY. Not really. But win an Oscar. Or at this point, an Emmy. Not to say that an Emmy is any worse, you know. Obviously not a Grammy because I have no musical talent. I’ll say an Emmy or an Oscar. Or a Golden Globe. They’re kinda getting in on the whole thing now too. They’re an accepted award I believe. They’re not used as doorstops any more.

What room are you in: Living room.

What is your hobby: Well I would have said film but thats more like my career and I’m not really, well if you had asked me that earlier I would have said hockey but I haven’t played that in forever even though I have all the gear. I guess karaoke. Didn’t know that could be a hobby until now. Kinda interesting.

What is your fear: [long silence.]
That Maureen types fast enough to get everything that I’ve said in to this page. Because I kinda forgot that I was answering questions to be put on a webpage for awhile. Which is not good.

Where do you want to be in six years: Um I would like to be 33 years old. [me: the question said where] Tony: I would like to be on the street at 33. [me: you want to be on the street?] Okay maybe not on the street. Uhhh I don’t know where I want to be in six years! That’s ridiculous! Okay I want to be married with eh... at least one kid... whatever job I’m doing, hope it’s in film. Or tv. Or maybe I wrote a novel. Maybe that novel is about World War Two and Japan. Maybe it’s about a young boy who refuses to commit hari kari for his country because he still has his love living in Okinawa and he must get back to her to see his child that he’s never seen. Yeah thats it. That’s as far as I’ve gotten with the story I just made up right now.

Where were you last night: [Tony makes James Cagney impression, I ask who James Cagney is, he’s appalled at me, etc, etc, etc.] You’ll never take me alive Copper, meh, see?

Something you are not: Something I am not? Wait, what? Something I am not? What? Something I am not? [We do this a few more times.] Okay. I am not a dork. I am not dumb. I am not ugly. I am not... uhhh ... what’s a word for the opposite of awesome? You’re just gonna keep typing and not tell me aren’t you? Because I really don’t know the opposite of awesome. Because I just think about awesome all the time, because it’s so like me that its hard to think of an antitheses. It’s like the movie Unbreakable. Samuel L. Jackson is breakable so he finds Bruce Willis who can’t break. So maybe I should find someone who is the opposite of awesome. And then I could be like, “what are you?” Or I guess I could look up antonyms on google. Oh you don’t have internet here.

Muffins: hahaha oh sweet! Like, dutch apple? With the little crumblies on them? Or lemon poppyseed! ‘Cept you can’t eat those before a drug test otherwise they think you’re doing opium. Actually that’s not true. That’s just a myth. Stupid Seinfeld. You’d have to eat like 30 pounds of lemon poppyseed muffins to get like a smidge of opium on a drug test. That’s just way too many muffins. At least for one day.

Wish list items: An Oakley Red Epic Mysterium X Camera with all accessories. No clue how much that would cost. A badass desktop computer for editing. What can you put on a wish list? Can it just be anything? [me: uh-huh] Tony: Well then I’d probably erase all of those and just be like, whirled peas. I mean world peace. The death of the two party system. And Ron Paul for president.

Where did you grow up: Dallas Texas. Teeexxxxaass. [with accent]
In the ghetto. On top of a hill. Where I had to climb in the snow. And walk uphill both ways to school. And back home. Did you know that can actually happen? Say you live on one mountain, but the school is on another mountain! So it could happen! People always say it can’t happen, but it could happen. People say it’s ridiculous but it could happen. Plus if you’re in the mountains it would probably snow. I mean that’s just logic.

Last thing you did: Was watch 30 Rock, it was meh, it was alright, I don’t really like the Kenneth episodes. They’re usually not that good. Although Tracey Morgan’s part was pretty funny. I never really liked Jenna.

What are you wearing: Wouldn’t you like to know? heh heh hehe. eeehhh a hoodie and shorts. It’s my business attire.

Your TV: Is AWESOME. And huge, and the best. Well I mean it was the best. Technology moves kinda fast, but it’s still badass. It’s also the prettiest TV I’ve ever seen. Oh for all those tech guys out there, it’s a Sony Bravia XBR 42 inch LCD.

Your pets: Are all dead. [I laugh, he laughs.] It’s true. Why is that funny? It’s not funny at all actually it’s kinda sad. Stop writing.

Your friends: Are not here for the most part, besides Jeff who lives with me, I don’t know, I only have a few friends. One’s in Mexico, a couple are in Texas, one lives with me and another one’s in California. And I have a few new friends in Portland as well. Yay. Like Katie! Katie is my friend. And she’s going to Switzerland and that makes me sad. When she comes back we’ll watch a movie together. And that makes me happy!

Your life: Has been interesting, it’s very strange. I never would have thought that, you know, life at 27 would have been as full as I’ve had it so far.

Your mood: Tired. Sleeepy. Fly? Punctual. Effervescent. Plagiaristic. Manly. Are those moods? I don’t know if you can be in a manly mood. Yes you can be in a manly mood. I’m in a manly mood! [said in manly voice.] Nostalgic. See now I’m just trying to come up with words that are just hard to spell. pfshhh you have spell check. Cheater.

Missing someone: Uh, no?

Vehicle: I like the concept of them. I believe a computer is a vehicle for your thoughts.

Something you’re not wearing: Underwear. Oh shit, wait no. A watch. Yeah not wearing a watch. Actually I haven’t worn a watch in in a long time. Maybe I should start wearing a watch again. But watch is definitely my answer, not underwear. Because that would be kinda weird if I was not wearing underwear. Because who does that? Just because it’s freeing and feels kinda good, that still doesn’t make it right does it? Watch is my answer.

Your favorite store: Store for what? [me: I don’t know, your favorite store] Tony: store for what? That’s so broad. [me: I didn’t write the question.] Tony: Okay. How ‘bout this. My favorite store for groceries is New Sizzles [he means local grocery chain New Seasons] because it’s cheaper than Whole Foods but just as good, and the people are a lot more friendly. My favorite store for clothes is Banana Republic because the clothes fit right and I guarantee that every guy in the store is gay. And just having something that you know is true is just comforting. My favorite store for electronics is Fry’s because it’s kinda like the Toys R Us of electronics. And you can play a wicked cool game of hide and seek if you want.

Your favorite color: Green. I’m gonna have to disagree with Aerosmith, pink is not my favorite color. That kinda says something about the band I think.

When’s the last time you laughed: Um, earlier today. At my girlfriend. Not at! But she has great comedic timing. It’s a rare thing for girls. Thats why i looooove her. At least thats one of the reasons. [Reminder: I am not making this up.]

When’s the last time you cried: Two days ago. I watched Gladiator. Movies where guys have to overcome dramatic odds always make me cry. Like Rocky. Or Rudy. Or... why do they always begin with the letter R? Maybe I can think of another one. Let’s see... Rambo? No, I didn’t cry in Rambo. Umm. Runaway Bride? That’s not a manly movie though. I didn’t cry in that one though. I just realized that Runaway Bride is Richard Gere and Julia Roberts, and he’s also in Pretty Woman, Julia Roberts and Richard Gere. Huh. Maybe that’s why that movie did so well. Because it wasn’t a very good movie. It’s like Sleepless in Seattle. And then a few years later they were like, “let’s make a movie that’s new and original with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan and it’s got the exact same plot line and lalala.”

Your best friend: lives with me.

One place you go over and over: One place I go TO over and over? [me: I didn’t write the questions.] Tony: What the heck does that mean, one place I go over and over. I don’t know what place I go over and over! I go your house over and over! I go coffee shop over and over. I go store over and over as well. I go Safeway over and over a lot. This question should go english class over and over.

One person who emails me regularly: Um, who emails me regularly? My roommate Jeff emails me fairly regularly with, uh, random things he’s found on the internet. This last one was a picture of an Optimus Prime toy playing with an Optiums Prime-looking toy truck that was smaller, and there was a caption underneath that says, “Stop playing with yourself.” I thought it was funny.

Favorite place to eat: In Portland? [me: I guess just anywhere. I didn’t write the questions.] Tony: Well in Portland I would say Pambiche. I love that place. In the world? I don’t know in the world. In Austin, I would say Trudy’s. In Dallas I would probably say, even though I’ve only been there a handful of times, Del Friscos. In Whitehorse Canada, there’s a hotel that has a restaurant, I believe it’s called the Staghorn. I mean it’s one of five restaurants really but that place is pretty good.



Phew. So for the two people who have managed to read through this entire post and are still here- hello! Thank you for reading. Now you know what my world is like. Sorry ladies, he’s taken.

The other thing is you’re supposed to tag six people to claim the award. But hello, did you read this? Tony and I don’t have friends. Even other blog friends. So I think we’re just going to skip that part.

Thanks Melissa. I can't say I learned anything about him from doing this, but at least it did make us laugh. And hopefully you all appreciate me more for everything I have to put up with.