Tony has an entire conversation out loud by himself because I refuse to comment and it spirals out of control

Yesterday I was feeling congested and I said, "I don't really know what's going on. I can't tell if it's just congestion or if I'm starting to get sick."



Apparently, I shouldn't have said that (I know, it seems innocent, right?) because here the conversation went downhill. Fast.



Tony: Wouldn't it be cool if you could talk to your diseases?

Me: Well this is going to be a weird conversation.

Tony: I mean, think about it. You could be all, "Hey Swine Flu, what's the deal? And why are you called Swine Flu anyway? Are you even related to swines?" And Swine Flu would be all, "Well actually we're more closely related to bats, but that would really freak people out so you're welcome."

Me: ...

Tony: dananananana danananananana BAT FLU!!

(Imagine it. He's singing. You know, like Batman? Okay, you got it? Good. Repeat times ten.)

Me: ....

Tony: Or you know, you could be all, "Hey muscular dystrophy, what's the deal?" And it would be all, "Actually you know that's not even our fault. It's a genetic thing. I don't know why everyone's all trying to blame us all the time. It's your genes that brought us here. Show us some love. Geeez." And I'd be like, "Oh, man, sorry muscular dystrophy, I didn't mean to offend you."



Me: I refuse to validate this conversation with a statement.

Tony: Fortunately, I don't need you for this conversation. I can have this all by myself.



Silence.


Tony: Or like, what if you could talk to cancer? And you're all, "Hey Cancer, you're a jerk. Why are you trying to kill people?" And cancer would be like, "We're just multiplying and spreading the love!" And I'd be like, "Did you know that spreading the love means you're killing people?" And it would say, "What? No, we had no idea! Like we are born and die so fast that I didn't know the big picture. Like I didn't even know that we killed people! We're so sorry. We just are born, have babies and die. We didn't mean to hurt you." And then I'd be like, "Well, I have an idea. Why don't we send you to Antarctica where you'll be frozen and can't reproduce as much, and like, you'll still be able to be born and have babies and die and you'd only infect penguins but it wouldn't be as bad because it's so cold there and like they wouldn't die from it, and there would be all these penguins with cancer but like it would be okay and everyone wins."



(Or something. Honestly I stopped listening a long time before this but I did tune in to hear something about cancer going to Antarctica and penguins. I don't really know where he was going with that.)


Long silence.

Tony: Or I guess I could just say, "Hey cancer, maybe you could just go over to some meat and do your thing on that, you know, instead of on people." You see, after you talk and reason with something, it's just... it's hard to hate it, you know?